Why so sad?

At the age of 17, the world looks different to a person. You are invincible, immortal, and ready to grab what life has to offer. This was the way that I was 32 years ago. I had a part time job, a car, and all of the time in the world. My biggest problem was if I had a date and if I didn't, would she say yes to going out with me? In August of 1978, my father died. My mother was chronically ill and my life was about to change in ways that I had never dreamed. The shock of all of these changes did not really seem to hit me at first. I still had a job, still went on dates, still had my car. However, something was different with me and I couldn't put my finger on it. I had this melancholy spirit about me all of the time. No matter what I did, I just couldn't shake it. Lots of mistakes were made by me in the next year that now I am really ashamed of. I won't mention those just right now. Those decisions are still too painful to share. Let's just say I got mixed up with a bad crowd and did stupid stuff. One day, in 1979, I just flipped out. Maybe it was all of the grief that I had felt, maybe it was all the things I was putting into my body. I don't know. In my own mind, I was sure I was going crazy. This kind of thing just can't happen to me! So I thought. When those close to me would ask "what is the matter?" I didn't have an answer for them. Now I do. This was my introduction to depression.

Depression is not "just the blues." It is not just "feeling down." What it is, is a medical condition caused in my case by a chemical imbalance in conjunction with a series of bad decisions. It isn't just sorrow. It is painful sorrow. Chances are that you know someone or know of someone that has suffered from depression. It is a common condition. Most people going through it feel that they are losing their mind. They are not. In fact, it takes a fairly good mind for someone to suffer from this. That has been my experience. The danger of depression is the fact that it can lead to thoughts of suicide. I was very fortunate to never be tempted by these thoughts. It is important, for this reason, to seek medical help. There are a lot of very good medications for someone afflicted by this. They will usually benefit from counseling in conjunction with the right medications. The friendship of someone is very important at this time. Maybe the most important thing of all. They need a friend to be there for them and a friend to come back to when they get better. They do get better. They need to hear this from someone they care about. In all but extreme cases, hospitalization is not required. It never was for me.

Like I said, I never had thoughts of suicide. The first time, I didn't go to the doctor. I never took any medication. I thought they would have me committed or something. I didn't even know what the condition I had was called. It took me almost a year to recover with no medication or no friends to lean on. Well, I did have some friends. By mail mostly. They were what kept me going. I was really ashamed to tell them what was going on, but couldn't have gotten through it without them. I bet my letters were really "off the wall" at that time. I learned about the disease when I suffered a second bout about two years later. I had to do something to stop the cycle. I don't take medication for it anymore. Some unwanted side effects were more to deal with than I could bear. I have went through this thing 5 different times in my life. It has been a recurrent thing for me. I have several ways that I deal with it now other than medication. First, I know that the way that I feel at those times is not the reality. So I make decisions based on what I know rather than what I think. Second, I recognize the condition of depression. It has a name and I know it well. Third, my family is sent from heaven to me. I am sure of it. They are what makes me want to come back. Fourth, and the most important, is my faith in God. I know that He is looking out for me during this time. Christians can get depressed. Let's make no mistake about that. Christ gives us weapons in this fight that unbelievers just don't have. Prayer, meditation, His Word, His Spirit. I have found myself in the position of a friend to someone that is depressed several times in my life. He has been able to use me to help others like myself.

I would love to tell all of you that I have this problem whipped. That would be a lie. For me, it tends to come back like a dark storm cloud on a hot summer day. All of us have our cross to bear. I don't enjoy depression, but it has added character and integrity to my being. The gaps between depressions do get broader. They have in my case. The Lord has brought me through them all just like in the song: "Till the Storm Passes By."

In conclusion, depressed individuals need medical treatment. They need to be told they are worthwhile and cared for. They need encouragement and support. They need a friend. Perhaps you could be that friend.

Postscript:

This post means well, but is incomplete. If you or someone that you love is depressed or having thoughts of suicide, get help! I personally went to see my family doctor. He was very understanding and gave me some medicine to "take the edge off", if you will. He also referred me to a good psychologist for counseling. While I focus on the friend part, it is important that you don't do as I did the first time and do it yourself. I wish you well.

To blog or not to blog.

I have only been doing this blog since the beginning of this month. If any of you have read the things that I have talked about, it is clear that I am not a writer. Never claimed to be and have no delusions or aspirations of becoming a writer. What this started out to be was a forum to share funny stories, things on my mind, things from my past. I'm not really all that funny, but I do have a lot of things on my mind. I hesitate to call this my online journal, but sometimes it will become just that. Sometimes it may be used to help someone. I hope so. I suppose all of us have those things that are so dark, hurtful, or shameful that we would just as soon forget. The next thing that I will be writing about is particularly painful to me. I will tell you though, releasing those things can be a very liberating thing to do. While it airs your dirty laundry, it has the potential to set your spirit free. No dirty laundry today folks. :) Check back though, it will probably be here.

With this ring...

My wife is a pretty good cook. I know, because I have the belly to prove it. :) She works hard to come up with recipes that are new or put a new spin on something old. She watches the Food Network when she can and searches the internet for new and exciting recipes. To be honest, some are more exciting than others. I wanted to start this out with the praise of my wife because it has not always been this way. We have been married for 23 years this past January. In 1986 when we first married, I did a lot of the cooking. Now I am not the best cook in the world, just adequate. There was a time that first year that she cooked this "bean medley" that filled a dutch oven. I think it was 3 different kind of beans. When she told me that it was ready I got a bowl and a spoon and filled it to almost the top. That was my first mistake. Then I took a bite of it. That was my second mistake. She asked me "How does it taste." I told her that the spoon had more taste than the meal she cooked for hours. That was my third mistake.

I look back at this event now and regret it very much. There was a failure that day, but it was mine--not hers! Earlier that year I took a vow: For better, for worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. To honor and to cherish. Forsaking all others, including my hunger. To love her as Christ loved the church. You see, the failure was not hers that day, it was mine. I failed the vow that I had taken that day in January just a little while ago. A loving husband would offer to help with the seasoning of the meal, just as he should help to season the marriage. A loving husband would have tried to eat it anyway and said that he appreciated the effort. Maybe he would even have thanked her for cooking. So many times through these years I have failed my vows to her and to God. Not with other women, but with other things that took priority in my own mind, through selfishness. Only in the past few years, after the sickness, being poor, and other hardships that we have encountered, did I develop a love for her that passes my understanding. God has given me a love for my wife that is difficult to explain. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for her.

To the women that read this I would exhort, be patient with him. He does not realize the fullness of the hurt that he is causing sometimes. Pray for him. Don't nag about small things. This does not mean that you should take any form of abuse. I have never raised a hand to my wife even when I was not thinking right. No matter what, you don't hit women! To the men that read this I would say, love your wife as Christ loved the church, giving himself for it. He has given you a great gift. Honor her and cherish her as the help that she is to you. Honor your vows that were made to God as well as your wife! If you are finding yourself filled with contempt for her, your problem may be as easily seen as mine was, by looking in the mirror.

Music to my ears.

One summer day, when I was young, I saw a man (about 20 years old) with a guitar sitting against a tree with 2 women beside him. One girl on each side as he was sitting against a tree. They were captivated by this man, listening intently to him. The next month, I had a guitar. I worked at this infernal device for 2 years before I could carry a tune with it. I was about 15 years old at that time. Over the years my guitar has been a source of comfort and amusement to me. If you ask "Were you any good?" I would have to say "Not very." I was okay as far as self taught guitar players go. Had a good ear and could carry a tune and such. Never thought I should quit a day job for it.

The guitar that I have now is a Martin acoustic. I was given this guitar by Jesus, and nothing will ever sway my mind from that. I was supposed to play in a church that Sunday and the money for it came on a Saturday, quite unexpectedly. I played that thing for the next 3 years. In 2005 I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, which is an insidious auto-immune disease that affects the joints in your body. My own immune system was attacking my feet, hands, knees and shoulders. I haven't played since. Surely what the Lord gives, He has the right to take away and I have no problem with that. Still I wondered if I would ever be able to pick it up again. However, in the last few months, I have changed medications and doctors. Things have improved to the point that I may try to pick it up again. I made a promise that I would use that guitar to the Glory of God! If I am able to play it, that is what I will do.

So soon, I will try to pick that guitar up and give it another go. Wish me well! I plan to use it for it's original purpose. Will I be any good this time? "Not very." :) Never claimed to be any good at it folks.

Precious memories.

I spent the better part of this past weekend scanning pictures from an old picture box that I have. You know the kind, just a box full of old pictures that seems to have been around all of your life. The reason I was doing this instead of walking is that it was raining all weekend here. There were pictures of most everyone that I have known in my life, some that I don't even remember. Parents, I advise you to take many pictures. Just as often as you can get a snapshot of a baby, wife, place in time. The pictures helped me remember those times so vividly. Happy moments, sad moments, non eventful moments, they are all there.

I did encounter some physical problems with the scanner during this time. Just a cheap scanner built into the printer, you know the kind. I worked it until the twain driver stopped working then I would have to reboot the computer and the scanner. It was physically not possible to scan every picture that I have. Just too overwhelming. I ended up picking and choosing which ones. Then, no matter how much I cleaned the picture or the scan lens, I would end up with what appeared to be lint on the pictures. which requires more editing. I think a lot of it may have been scratches on the picture itself since they were just hanging out loose in a box. I guess I'll get my daughter to clean them up the best she can as she is a much better photo editor than myself.

The thing that I suppose I want to share most today is how spiritual this whole process was to me. Really, it is hard to describe the emotions I felt while doing this. I tend to be somewhat emotional more than many people that I know. Turned out this time to be a benefit rather than a detriment. Causes a lot of soul searching and rekindles the purpose of the soul. Perhaps it is because this is an emotional time in my life right now and the least little thing sets my mind off. However, I think it had a purpose for my life at this time. I finally came to two realizations. My past is tied to my present and my future, and I am going to get a digital camera.

The first step is the toughest.

This week I have decided that I needed to get myself in shape. A lot of factors come into play in this decision, namely I'm old and out of shape. In three years, I will be the same age my dad was when he passed away. That is not the tradition that I want to repeat for my family. So this week I started walking again. I used to enjoy walking as it is fun and cheap. You only need a good pair of shoes and a long road. Now it has been a while since I walked very much maybe 10 years or so. I knew that I could not start off with the five or plus miles that I used to do. I decided on about a mile. That seemed reasonable to me. My daughter decided that she would go with me to keep me company and I enjoy spending time with her.

So here we go! I started off at about 3 or 4 miles an hour which is a good brisk walk. After about a tenth of a mile, I was huffing and puffing. At about the halfway point, there was profuse sweating and the thought of "am I going to make it?" Yes, I was determined I was going to make it. It was only a mile after all. People walk that far for a cigarette, or at least we were led to believe that in the commercials growing up. Yes, it was a beautiful day. Weather was in the 70's, you could smell spring in the air, hear the birds, and I had spots before my eyes. Now that's variety! A neighbor drove by and started talking with us, just neighborly chit chat sort of thing. Kinda glad that he did as it gave me the opportunity to stop for a few minutes and catch my breath. Turns out that my mile is about 1.8 miles. I have no sense of distance at all. After a week of this, I can do this course pretty well now, and my state of mind has improved.

Should someone that reads this start an exercise program, I would say go have a physical exam and talk with your doctor about it first. I don't think those spots before the eyes was a good symptom. Eventually I will increase the distance that I walk little by little until I am back at 5 miles a day. Might be 6 months down the road or so. Then again, I have no sense of distance.

You need a haircut!

I went out and got a haircut today. Doesn't sound like a big deal does it? Well, it is to me, because I just hate to go do this. Not that I like the way my hair is when it is long and bushy, I don't. I just despise having to go, sitting and waiting and such. Since I am in the middle of a "job hunt" I thought it best to spiff up my appearance somewhat.

Everytime I go there, I get a different person everytime and they all ask the same question: "How do you want it cut?" I answer the same everytime: "Shorter." I usually have to go into a little more detail about that and then we can get underway. In real life I'm not a very chatty person, but that has to change the moment you sit down in the chair. Today it was about healthcare, but it has in the past been about pets, weather, economy, jobs, you name it and it has been talked about from a stylist chair. I do try to stay away from subjects that polarize people like: "How did you like the election?" or "What do you think about that church?" I usually will not take a chance on these things. Remember, someone with sharp instruments has full control of me from the neck up! Best thing to do in this circumstance is to wimp out and say: "How do you feel about it?" Most times that works and I won't be there over ten minutes from start to finish, so all is well. Today it worked out okay and I don't have to go back for a few weeks. The lady today was nice, but very opinionated. She did a good job and I gave her a tip.

One of my dreams when I retire is to stop going to the barber shop, throw away my razor, and throw away my wristwatch. Look for me, I'll be the bearded old hermit that won't give you the time of day.

Corn will mess up a pot of chitlins.

Food is one of those things that you just can't live without. I have found some exceptions to this rule. When I was young, about every other Sunday night we would have oyster stew for supper. This might sound fine to some of you, but I do not like oysters. I would avoid this supper just as long as I could. Everyone except me really liked this meal. I would fill the bowl up with as many saltine crackers as I could and be very careful to just catch the broth with the ladle. No oysters in my oyster stew! I hope that all of you know that you can't clean oysters. When you eat them you eat all of them! Anyway, I would just eat the wet crackers and it was all I could do to get it down. Sometimes they would substitute salmon for oysters, but not very often.

About ten years ago, I worked in a textile mill in Greensboro, NC. One of my best friends there was named Gerald. Once in a while he would bring something in for lunch and heat it up in the cafeteria microwave. This was my first introduction to chitlins. Chitlins are pig intestines that have been cleaned out real well. When that microwave finished the room smelled of what used to be inside of the chitlins. Right then! I knew that chitlins were somehow related to oysters. Not really, but they were according to my food chain. Once he found out that I disliked this foul odor, he would bring this same meal just as often as he could. Some days he would bring chicken feet, pig ears and all manner of foul food. One day while he was enjoying his meal, I told him maybe he needed to put a little corn in his chitlins. You don't serve chitlins and corn in the same meal because corn will mess up a good pot of chitlins. If you do serve them together don't stir corn and chitlins with the same spoon. Corn is one of the grains fed to pigs. How clean were those things anyway?

He still brought them after that, but they had somehow lost some of their magic to him after I mentioned the corn. Must have been the thought of it or something. Gerald! If you read this, just know that I am thinking of you and hope your are well. I hope to see you again sometime soon, but you can't use my microwave.

Has the net changed your life?

I have been surfing the net for some time now, years upon years trying to find relevance in the things that were posted on the net. Sometimes I come across something that means something to me and sometimes I don't. Still, it has had a profound effect on my life. I grew up in the 60's and 70's. The net just was not even thought of nor were personal computers.

Just think of what you can do now. You can look for a job online along with 8% of all Americans (myself included), shop the local supermarket circular without waiting on the newspaper to come to your door. You can buy a computer from your computer. That truly blows my mind! All of the headlines are available from web portals without the use of newsprint. So far this does not sound to good for the papers does it? We no longer need land line phones because the web has brought us VOIP communications. Watch movies, listen to music, send and receive mail, the list goes on and on.

I used to have pen pals the old fashioned way. It cost 41 cents to send a letter to European countries and 20 cents to send in the US. Things in this respect seem to have improved, but somehow they lack a certain personal touch. A feeling, if you will, that something precious has been lost. I guess the comparison is like a restaurant versus a home cooked meal. It is certainly more convenient now, and less expensive.

When I was a teenager in the late 70's, I used to hang out at the mall or at the arcade. Now I use a social networking site, and play games on the computer. I still go places, but it is hard to recapture the moments I experienced back then. I guess that is as much of recapturing youth as anything else.

However, I am open minded and willing to change with the times as best I can. We have all learned to embrace this new technology and incorporate it into our daily lives. The new stuff makes things easier than they used to be, as long as we put the heart of what we are and do into them. I guess these are just random thoughts off the top of my head.